Sure, I'll just add these to my planner

Whose big idea was it to start these lists of dishes to eat, things to try, and places to see BEFORE YOU DIE?

As someone who battles a never-ending to-do list every day, I take these inventories of X number of things to try, see or own much more seriously than they deserve.The one that gets me the most is the granddaddy of them all, 1000 Places to See Before You Die.

If this list were places to see before next Tuesday, I would scoff. If it were places to see before my next big decade birthday, I might prioritize. But the open-ended yet morbid places to see before I die, well that is just dismaying, because I’m afraid my in-box still won’t be caught up by then.

Practical me says, Do they know how difficut it is to get through my basic to-do list each day? Do they realize that my life of lists incorporates an entire family, two vehicle owner’s manuals and a dog? Do they appreciate the careful sequencing and preparation required to thaw the lasagna, preheat the oven, or get vaccinations and not forget the blue form?

Dreamer me says, What if I never get to see a tiny fraction of these places? Heck, it’s been years since I went to the places I have seen – I barely remember them now. I would have to be fabulously wealthy and connected to access some of these places and without obligation to anyone whatsoever. Now I’m hopelessly depressed.

I’ve taken a closer look at these 1,000 places to see before you die. Let me save you some trouble and tell you the places closest to us:

• Five listings are in New Orleans: French Quarter, Garden District, Music Scene, Restaurant Scene, and Mardi Gras (Moms, do any of us desire to spend one minute among revelers at Mardi Gras? I doubt it, even beyond the Teabagging incident. )
• Three listings are in Memphis: Music Scene, Graceland, and Memphis Barbeque. (Barbeque? We don’t have to go anywhere for barbeque.)
• Three others you have seen on vacation: The Smokey Mountains, Walt Disney World and Biltmore.

Finally, no place in Alabama made the cut. It seems we will keep the Gulf, Bellingrath Gardens, Talledega and Tuskeegee all to ourselves.

Now that I’ve tsk-tsked the list of places to see, I’ve distracted myself from all the glorious places I won’t get around to seeing for all sorts of reasons, like no direct flights, expired passport, saving for college, and travel alerts issued by the U.S. Department of State. And dying.

That said, I return to the grind of my usual 15 Unremarkable Things to Do Before Dinner.

Patricia Schultz is the author of 1000 Places to See Before You Die and she’ll be at Brookwood Village Mall’s Books-A-Million on Feb 16th, 2012 at 7 p.m. Would her handlers please see that she gets to see some Places in Alabama while she’s here?

And I don’t really want to punch her in the throat. I had rather be her assistant and get to visit some of the wonderful destinations listed in her NYT bestseller.

Sojourns is a lovely store in downtown Birmingham that carries products made by artisans throughout the world.  Most importantly, the products are purchased according to fair trade standards meaning that crafters, often women in 3rd World countries, are paid a fair wage for their talent.  This type of policy has become more widely known in the coffee trade and Sojourns carries fair trade coffee (they were among the first).

Reasons to choose this basket:

• Variety of Sizes – the baskets come in a wide range of sizes and shapes (round, square, big and small) making it easy to coordinate throughout a room or home
• Reasonable price – the large basket (appropriate for large games, toys) including the top retails for $30.00 while the smaller baskets (perfect for a shelf or closet) retail for about $6.00.
• Design – the pattern and color of the straw is so neutral that the baskets can go anywhere
• Feel good – Baskets are constructed by women in Bangladesh who are ensured an equal wage, safe working environment and health care.

I’ve purchased these baskets for two years. They’ve transformed my linen closet as well as my daughter’s room.  Yet, my favorite quality is that they connect my home to a woman’s home in Bangladesh reminding me of the shared experience of motherhood and women throughout the world.

This type of recognition rewards our local librarians for the hours of storytime for toddlers, the decorations and programming related to the Summer Reading initiative, extraordinary patience and, in general, creating an environment that children adore.  The Birmingham Public Library reaches as many as 18,500 children in the summer, sponsors the Poetry Slam for teens, Writers Workshops for Tornado victims, and daily story/play time for toddlers.

The excellence of our library system is one of our best tools as Birmingham Moms.  Livability.com is smart to recognize it.

Congratulations to the Birmingham Public Library.

The daughter, who has the genetic abnormality Trisomy 18 and is expected to have a limited life span, is one of seven children. And while I cannot imagine the agony of having a child with such a prognosis , I can’t help but wonder what would be said about a mom who was on the campaign trail under the same circumstances.

As you have probably noticed, there isn’t a lot of ruminating among dads about striking a “balance” between work and home. It’s generally understood that they will work, and a demanding job only underscores their importance as a champion and provider. A mom, on the other hand, is usually regarded as much for her clean house and her kids’ behavior as for her work. Should one of the former be judged inadequate, it’s always the latter that is to blame.  As I have been told , “You can just learn to be content with less. Your family comes first.”   Notwithstanding that it may be good advice, do guys ever have to hear this?

At this point in history, discussing gender roles is almost a bore. Moms’ inner conflict over “balance” is the stuff of parables, our own little problem to work through even in 2012. And that’s just in working for a living, let alone running for office.

Anyhow, my point isn’t to comment on whether Dad Santorum should stay in the race, but to raise the question of whether a mom would  even have the choice.* My prediction is that she would be villified without mercy. It would be a political non-starter for a woman to campaign with either seven children or one with a life-threatening condition, let alone both situations at once.

*Talk about a moot point! Personally, if I had seven kids I wouldn’t be fit for anything, much less traveling, debating, and doing the steakhouse/rubber chicken dinner circuit. However, I won’t deny that I might welcome being away from home for days at a time.

Are we really surprised? What person over 60 do you know who hasn’t aready had to make adjustments in diet and exercise? Didn’t our parents and their friends have to cut the fat, skip the salt, and start choosing lean meats long ago? I can’t even remember when Mrs. Dash earned her place by the salt shaker and turkey bacon became the only thing better than having no bacon at all.  

What is a revelation is the fact that Paula apparently didn’t share her diagnosis, continuing to exemplify a buttercream lifestyle even while she negotiated a lucrative endorsement with a diabetic medical supply company. Now that’s richer than a chocolate ganache.

I admit, I’m disappointed in Paula. When my family members got religion about lifestyle changes, they had to re-learn a lifetime of cooking habits (does anyone else remember the old coffee can full of bacon drippings for gravy and seasoning vegetables?) and rediscover simpler food. Then again, none of them were literally the national representative for southern fried cooking.

Will any of us be interested in a recipe book of ”Paula’s Low Calorie Choices, Ya’ll?” Because that is her next logical frontier, behind the cookware and furniture and medical supplies. Imagine her on the cover holding up a big, shiny apple. Not the same, huh?

Paula dear, I’m disappointed because you knew better than all that butter and so did we. In the ”stroke belt” where many of us have relatives whose lives were cut short by heart disease and complicated by diabetes, we are having to redefine comfort food and southern hospitality. We loved to think that you could defy the odds and keep licking the spoon, but in our heart of hearts, we really did know better.

The Chinese New Year Festival, or Spring Festival, is a major holiday in Chinese and other eastern cultures and our Chinese community sponsors a festival to make sure we don’t miss out even if we are on the other side of the globe. 

Besides kicking off the Year of the Dragon, you can enjoy some inexpensive family fun at Birmingham’s Chinese Festival, in Boutwell Auditorim on Satuday, January 28th, from 11 a.m. – 4 p.m. Admission is free although a $2 donation is suggested. All the things you associate with Chinese celebrations, like acrobats, martial arts, music, and food will be featured at the festival. (Will there be dragons? I want dragons.)

The Chinese culture, going back over 5,000 years, is rich and varied. Our own UAB has helped attract many talented Chinese families to our area, and the Birmingham Chinese Festival Association is commmitted to keeping the New Year tradition current and available to everyone.

Note: Don’t forget that the Birmingham Museum of Art has the most comprehensive Chinese art collection in the Southeast, and it is next door to Boutwell Auditorium. What better way to appreciate a great culture and a great party than enjoying the best of both in one day?

He’s been having the same schedule each week, and so he was startled and panicked when he got a call from his manager on a day he typically isn’t scheduled. “Are you on your way in? You’re on the schedule.”

He raced to put on his company shirt and run out the door. Before he left, he jokingly told his wife, “If I get myself fired from Domino’s Pizza, I will personally drive myself to the morgue, open a drawer, lay down in it and pull the sheet over my head.”

I laugh every time I think of this comment, because gallows humor seems to be the only coping strategy left for dealing with these bleak situations. Of course he wasn’t fired, and he won’t be, short of an act of violence. He’s eager to work, reliable, works any hours he’s given, and is courteous. They are thrilled to have someone of his maturity to count on.  

Similarly, I once worked an inventory day for a much-beloved retailer that offered a generous discount. Most of the other workers that day had jobs outside of this retail gig – they were realtors, flight attendants, even a research engineer at UAB - and were, like me, working with an eye toward a large furniture purchase. Many worked at the store a few hours a month just to furnish their homes using their discount.

When the manager said she was ordering pizza for lunch, what toppings did we like, I assumed that, as with previous employers, this was the company’s treat for us working minions. Imagine my embarassment when, one bite into my slice, I was told, “We need $3.25 from everybody for the pizza.” I rarely carry cash! So now I had to leave and go across the street to the ATM to pay back this manager who had just spotted us $40 of her own money for lunch.

Later that afternoon, as I was clumsily wielding the inventory gun, the manager came around to ask, “Do you have an estimate for how long you were gone during lunch? I’m just updating the time sheet.” Of course! I hadn’t thought of clocking out to go to the ATM, not having literally “clocked in” at a job since college. So now she was having to dock me for time running around to find $3.25, an amount I should have had rattling around in the bottom of my purse.

By the end of the long day, my inventory gun wasn’t even balancing, and I was feeling less and less competent. Nevermind that furniture discount; I had complicated this manager’s day enough already. At this point, I just wanted to be treated with the respect accorded any anonymous shopper the next time I came in the store.

Being “underemployed” isn’t so easy, and the retail/restuarant managers of the world certainly agree.

ZumbaTomic is the same program with dance moves designed specifically for children.  Like the adult program, the music is fast paced, heart pumping and fun.  From their website, “Kids get fit, rock out and have a blast!”    Through the YMCA Vestavia, ZumbaTomic Birthday Parties include the following:  One-hour, instructor-led ZumbaTomic Class; a party room for cake etc; and a party attendant to help with set up and clean up.  Parents can bring anything to the party except for alcohol.    To fully enjoy the ZumbaTomic party guests should be older than age 4, wear appropriate clothing for a hip-hop or reggae dance party.  India Gold, YMCA Program Director, also suggests a maximum number of guests at 30 – “more if the children are older.”

Available times:

Fridays: 6pm-7:30pm

Saturdays:  Noon-5:30pm

Sundays: 2pm-5:30pm

Cost:  $150 YMCA Members; $200 non-members

To reserve your party, call India Gold at 205-823-0144 or email igold@ymcabham.org.

For additional Birthday Party ideas and locations in Birmingham, visit our Birmingham Birthday Party  List.

The gift for “You mean the baby shower for Julie in Accounting is today?”

Here’s the go-to gift for the day you walk into work and remember the baby shower at break this afternoon. Head to Walgreens – there has to be one within a few blocks of your office – and pick up a Babies R Us gift card from the kiosk along with a box of these Zach&Chloe socks. The socks come in in Mary Jane, high-top, and ballerina styles and are only $4.99 for a two-pair box.

Tape your gift card to the box and your last-minute gift looks as thoughtful as the one you would have bought, had you remembered. (Tell your husband about this so he can easily handle his own office baby showers instead of calling you in a panic.)

Baby on a Plane – www.Babybair.com

If you’re flying with your young baby, the Baby B’Air (get it?) is an FAA-approved vest that loops around your safety belt. You can fly with baby securely on your lap but with enough slack for feeding and diapering. No worries about baby falling, either. (Note: Talk of Alabama hosts Maggie and Nicole mentioned that American Airlines is now offering a free glass of wine or beer on international flights. With this vest for baby, you might actually have your hands free to take a sip. And if you’re flying internationally with a baby, you’ll need one.) $34.95

Diaper Bag/Baby Carrier Mash-up

Tote baby, baby’s stuff, and have the use of your arms with the Sidekick baby bag. Tucked in the flap is a strap and sling that lets you carry baby and still access the contents of the diaper bag. Here’s a design for the occasions when you don’t want to bother with a stroller or need to keep ahold of another sibling. You can old your three-year-old by the hand or pick through the fresh vegetables at Pepper Place Market, all while having baby and bottles at your side.

Emily’s Diaper Cream www.Emilyskinsoothers.com

This product was developed by a dad and acupuncturist whose daughter, Emily, had sensitive skin and exzema.  Frangrance-free, emily’s diaper cream contains only four herbs, sunflower oil, and beeswax. I have to say it feels great and would work well as a salve for mama’s skin as well.

What a Feeling -  leg warmers for babies www.Huggalugsusa.com

Having lived through Flashdance and legwarmers the first go-around, I can admit they weren’t a logical accessory choice for the non-dancer. But anything is adorable on a baby, and these would be a practical solution for an early Easter when your baby is going to be wearing a beautiful but thin smocked gown (oh, she WILL wear it) and will just kick off the blankets on her baby carrier. Get her to church or to picture posing time, then whip off the leg warmers. Voila, her chubby legs and sassy ruffled bloomers are shown to full advantage.

Peekaroo  Hoodie www.Togetherbe.com

This is a highly specilalized piece of clothing, but an elegant solution to keeping you and baby warm. This is a hoodie for mom that fits over a baby carrier, so you and lil’ bit can go to big brother’s soccer game and not mind the nippy weather. Baby’s head sticks out of a little turtle neck style opening, and your hands are free to cheer wildly.

Full Disclosure: The baby items listed below were provided by the manufacturers. They are being donated to a silent auction benefitting community programs in Birmingham.

As her daughter hung her head in shame and the lady behind her sighed and shifted from one foot to the other, my friend channeled the cheerful, practical Jo, deciding Jo would just tell her to make a game of it as she determined which items to return. Wasn’t that exactly what the March girls were all about, finding ways to deal with adversity and improve their character in a Pilgrim’s Progress-style journey?

This wasn’t the first time my friend has found this method-acting-of-a-fictional character helpful as a coping strategy*. She says when she was reading Little Women as a young girl, she had always imagined that she was the unheralded fifth March daughter. Just imagine it: Jo, Meg, Beth, Amy. And Karen.

I enthusiastically reminded her that this was entirely possible. She could be the March daughter that hadn’t signed the release for the first series! After all, two more Kardashian/Jenner sisters just came out of the shadows to claim their share of the family’s reality TV fame. Let’s all just insert ourselves into the Little Women family narrative, which ends with mother March telling us she could never wish us a greater happiness than we already have.

Great literature yet again informs our modern lives, seasoned with a sprinkling of reality TV.

*Jo is a much more practical heroine than my alpine Heidi, who has only inspired me to devour lots of cheese and crusty bread in my lifetime. As a girl I’d even imagined one day naming a daughter Heidi, but then I married a Holt and “Heidi Holt” sounded a little too reminiscent of the Seven Dwarfs heading off to work…