As Valentine’s Day approaches, it’s striking to note that every man is an easy mark for jewelry stores, fragrance counters and lingerie shops. Florists happily reinforce the implicit message that you will be scorned for the rest of the year if you don’t bring gifts come February 14th.
* Do not buy a heart shaped candy box from the quick mart. We expect you to be more sophisticated than that. (Pick up a strawberry cake at Ashley Mac’s or a few exquisite artisanal chocolates from Crave.)
*At a certain point in a woman’s life, a new front-loading washer would bring more enjoyment than a bracelet for the same price. This is a very dangerous point, however, and you must be certain to call it correctly or risk great wrath. She will let you know if it’s the year to go the major appliance route, and you must at least be sure to go to dinner after the visit to Home Depot. (This point usually arrives at around seven years of marriage or two laundry loads per day, whichever arrives first).
*Only major appliances are acceptable for Valentine’s gifts; small appliances are better appreciated as a surprise for no reason. The day a girl gets a blender for Valentine’s, a little piece of her heart breaks.
*Who are you kidding? We know that lingerie is for you. That’s fine; just don’t think it will be sufficient by itself. Have dinner reservations or bring home a nice meal for us to enjoy. Don’t forget to do something with the kids, too (this seems to be the point where plans always fall apart; if you don’t have the babysitter’s contact info, add it to your phone right now).
If flowers are important to her, consider my all time favorite Valentine story from last year: One BirminghamMom receives roses at work from her husband every year. The fun of it is that he handles the entire operation himself. He selects them at the supermarket, stuffs them in a vase, and delivers them to the security guard’s desk at her office. She never sees him, but when she gets the call for a delivery pick-up she knows it was him. He saves about $55 for his trouble and it is their running Valentine joke. She adds that the card is always in his familiar handwriting and they have a nice, guilt-free dinner out that evening.
Finally, remember a single rose and an enthusiastic greeting from you beats a dozen delivered by the boy from the flower shop.