E*Trade Babies Make a Mom Wonder

When my kids were babies I remember a lady I admired telling me about her son’s visit home from college over the holidays. “It’s was just wonderful,” she said. “It’s so nice to get to have a real conversation with your grown child, just like talking to another adult.”

I tried to keep a smile but I remember being sort of repulsed by the thought of my own babies actually talking with me one day. I loved their gummy, drooly smiles and adoring eyes, their pudgy hands, their bobbing bald-ish heads. I couldn’t imagine having to converse with them. Besides, who wants another adult around for company?

I think that’s why we adore the precocious e*trade babies* so much. Besides what we infer from their coos and cries, what would our babies really say if only they could?

  • I heard you describe the “nasty” strained peas. You really think you can just shovel that under my upper lip?
  • You don’t tell about that diaper and I won’t tell where you had to dispose of it.
  • You’re crying too now? We can’t both fall apart at 2 a.m.
  • I know you’re playing ‘possum so Dad will have to take this one. I’m sooo onto you.
  • Produce the milk or I am going to GO OFF. Three…two…one…
  • If only the folks at work knew what you really say about them.
  • I don’t understand. You knew we would be out running errands for three hours. Since when is one extra diaper enough for my bag?
  • We’ll just see how badly daddy’s mom wanted to babysit me. I’m going to show her it’s not as easy as she remembers. Call to check on us before your movie starts!
  • Why do you care whether my eyes turn green or blue? Leave it alone already.

Thank goodness that whatever they do remember remains repressed. There will be plenty of Freudian riddles for them to unravel down the road. One day when they’re home from college we may even have a conversation about it.

*Did you know you can create an e*trade baby message? Send a pre-recorded message or create your own. You can even upload your baby’s photo. Send Daddy a message from baby that he isn’t fooling anyone when he pretends he hasn’t noticed the stinky diaper odor.