People I Want to Punch in the Throat…Before I Die

Sure, I'll just add these to my planner

Whose big idea was it to start these lists of dishes to eat, things to try, and places to see BEFORE YOU DIE?

As someone who battles a never-ending to-do list every day, I take these inventories of X number of things to try, see or own much more seriously than they deserve.The one that gets me the most is the granddaddy of them all, 1000 Places to See Before You Die.

If this list were places to see before next Tuesday, I would scoff. If it were places to see before my next big decade birthday, I might prioritize. But the open-ended yet morbid places to see before I die, well that is just dismaying, because I’m afraid my in-box still won’t be caught up by then.

Practical me says, Do they know how difficut it is to get through my basic to-do list each day? Do they realize that my life of lists incorporates an entire family, two vehicle owner’s manuals and a dog? Do they appreciate the careful sequencing and preparation required to thaw the lasagna, preheat the oven, or get vaccinations and not forget the blue form?

Dreamer me says, What if I never get to see a tiny fraction of these places? Heck, it’s been years since I went to the places I have seen – I barely remember them now. I would have to be fabulously wealthy and connected to access some of these places and without obligation to anyone whatsoever. Now I’m hopelessly depressed.

I’ve taken a closer look at these 1,000 places to see before you die. Let me save you some trouble and tell you the places closest to us:

  • Five listings are in New Orleans: French Quarter, Garden District, Music Scene, Restaurant Scene, and Mardi Gras (Moms, do any of us desire to spend one minute among revelers at Mardi Gras? I doubt it, even beyond the Teabagging incident. )
  • Three listings are in Memphis: Music Scene, Graceland, and Memphis Barbeque. (Barbeque? We don’t have to go anywhere for barbeque.)
  • Three others you have seen on vacation: The Smokey Mountains, Walt Disney World and Biltmore.

Finally, no place in Alabama made the cut. It seems we will keep the Gulf, Bellingrath Gardens, Talledega and Tuskeegee all to ourselves.

Now that I’ve tsk-tsked the list of places to see, I’ve distracted myself from all the glorious places I won’t get around to seeing for all sorts of reasons, like no direct flights, expired passport, saving for college, and travel alerts issued by the U.S. Department of State. And dying.

That said, I return to the grind of my usual 15 Unremarkable Things to Do Before Dinner.

Patricia Schultz is the author of 1000 Places to See Before You Die and she’ll be at Brookwood Village Mall’s Books-A-Million on Feb 16th, 2012 at 7 p.m. Would her handlers please see that she gets to see some Places in Alabama while she’s here?

And I don’t really want to punch her in the throat. I had rather be her assistant and get to visit some of the wonderful destinations listed in her NYT bestseller.